Step 3: Part 5 Lessons From The 70s on Willingness
In Step 3: Part 4 I asked how you would define ‘will’ and ‘lives’ in the wording of Step 3.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him. Alcoholics Anonymous, 2011 p 59
In the 70s I was willing to teach high school English by day and coach the drama club by night, and add to that, drive an hour commute. I was young, optimistic and enthusiastic—an ideal candidate for the small school district of Olin, Iowa.
The prospect of developing my own curriculum, teaching in my own classroom and being the only drama coach was exciting. I’d borrowed more money than I could envision (college tuition) and buried myself for 4 boring years in the dusty tiled halls of academia to reach this point of independence and responsibility. I was pumped! Life was going to be wonderful. I was using my will to accomplish my goals:
- Teach high school English
- Coach drama students
- Mentor kids in creative writing
It took roughly one school year to experience the defeat at the wheel of power and control. I, who virtually never get sick, was bedridden that Spring. I was depressed, exhausted and depleted. My life lesson plan was handed to me with my bed tray at the age of 23!
Being self-willed, I often trip up. I am an optimistic enthusiast, without the physical stamina, nor the right mindset to sustain my desire to rise to the level of Director. (drum roll) The cumulative price of controlling others is a debt I cannot assume.
(Granted, there are people who can easily teach, sponsor the drama club and drive a long commute without a breakdown, but I’m talking about me–again, typical alcoholic that I am—its all about me.)
Therefore, this quote is my favorite portion of the Big Book of AA.
“The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.” Alcoholics Anonymous 2011, p 62
It would be wonderful? Wait. I was going to say that’s what I used to think. No… I still fall into thinking that. I’m still re-learning the lesson plan that was on my bed tray in 1976.
Last year I was an administrator of a beautiful beach-side resort. I loved the work and it was rewarding, but I also was having chest pains from the stress of the 24/7 job. The job wasn’t the problem. I was. My desire to CONTROL others dove-tailed with being in charge. Having taught leadership, I know better. Big difference between leading and controlling. I fell prey to my natural instincts again.
For a year now I’ve been working at a job that has very little stress. It’s still 24/7 when we work, but I’m finding that without anyone else to focus on, some days I don’t even do a commendable job of controlling me. But, after all, I am trying to let go of being the Director and let God do that job.
PS: What comes to mind when you think of being a Director?
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When I try to control others, I rob them of God’s control. If I try to control others, I’d better be a God-given authority.
My observation is that controllers usually do not have their own lived under control.
oh Mama! You called me out! I am a control freak. I live on adrenalin (not drugs or alcohol, but can be just an unhinging.)
My father in law asked me to ‘come out of retirement” as a community organizer for a project he was working on and I LOVED it. AND my son ate cookies for 2 months. I was NOT able to find balance. The thing went off without a hitch, we got front page and national coverage. I had done my job (be the boss) BUT I had thrown balance out the window.
Afterwards he said, “you my friend, may be sober but you are an adrenalin junkie. Your job now is to raise my grandson. Don’t get a job” He was right. I can only seem to do one thing at a time and trying to ‘be the boss’ is not a good idea; it seeps into my entire life AND then the lives of everyone I know. ACA is all about children of alcoholics looking for control. I get that. I can only control me. like Al said I can only Let go and Let God. For some reason, being a mom, I totally see that God is MY boss. I am just raising my son based on what (I hope) is Gods plan for him.
wheww. hard. really hard.
excellent post. thank you.
XO Jen
Hi Heidi…. we share some distinct similarities in our experiences. I too got an education and took on a job, that was great for some, and may have been great for the recovering version of Chaz, but the young, 20-something, anxious, over-thinking, trying-to-keep-everything-and-everyone-in-its/their-proper-place Chaz buckled.
Ovewhelming thoughts of failure, sadness, and suicide were the outcome. Until I started self-medicating them with booze! Out of the frying pan into the fire!
So in these senses I can relate.
What comes to mind re: being a Director? Well, years ago, I gleaned a saying from a buddy of mine, “Directing traffic”. This referenced our effort to run our lives and others similar to a traffic cop standing in the middle of an intersection pointing and whistling at whose turn it was next and which direction to go.
Can you ever imagine in the days of the traffic cop ever defying his direction? I can’t. So then imagine us inadvertently putting ourselves in the role of that same never-questioned traffic cop and directing our own lives and, to a large degree, the interactions of others with us?
Is this perhaps who our subconscious, unrecovered selves believes us to be? We simply point and blow our whistle and EVERYONE complies with our direction in reverence to our authority?
Chaz’ answer…. put me down as a ‘yes’!
Were we crazy or what?! What a warped set of beliefs we somehow adopted. “Do as I whistle and point you to do”! Akkkk! That’s painful to re-read because that’s where I spent much of my life!
I had been awaiting your next post. You are on a great thread here that I can completely relate to and grow from.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz– I love your illustration. ‘Do as I whistle and point you to do’ will be one of my new phrases for ego out of control! I can just hear the whistle, too!!
Thanks for the encouragement. For the next few days we have internet again, so I will continue the series, most likely. Thanks for the inspiration.
Heidi, I hope you will accept the invitation to join in the Blog for Mental Health, 2012 Project. I have added a link to Good Life in the Blogging for Mental Health post at GrowthLines. I hope many more readers discover the wealth of information, encouragement, and support offered at Good Life.
You can read about the Project guidelines at GrowthLines.
http://growthlines.wordpress.com/2012/02/08/blogging-for-mental-health-2012/
Paulann–I’m honored. Thank you.
You are so welcome, Heidi. I look forward to reading future thoughts on the Good Life.
What comes to mind when you think of being a Director? – Being Martha instead of Mary
God Bless
SP– Got it! Thanks so much. If I could just remember to sit at His feet more.
i’m a teacher as well (of adults) and i’m sure one of the reasons i enjoy teaching so much (i’ve been at the same school for 20 years) is that i like being in control.
As a control freak, i’d have thought giving up control to a Higher Power would have been very difficult for me, but it was easier than i suspected.
In my personal life, i made a complete wreck of everything i tried to control. Obviously, “my way” was wreaking havoc on me and those who came into contact with me. The idea that i could “retire” and let someone else take control came as a welcome opportunity. (“Let Go, Let God,” as we say in AA here.)
Of course this doesn’t happen all the time. Yesterday i lost my temper in a store and brought that home to my wife and son, but i know now that when i get upset like that, it’s because i’m trying to take charge again. Today i’ll make my amends to my family and go back to giving it up to my Higher Power. As my sponsor explained it to me, this step isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being willing to make conscious changes. Man, am i on board with that!
Al–Thanks for the comment. Let Go and Let God is a good summary of the giving up control that has to happen before we can find our place and our peace. I just love Step 3. I am glad you shared your experience. I’m amazed at just how often I have to relearn the same lessons.
I love that you mentioned ‘conscious changes’ because I am aware that so much of my life I wasn’t conscious of my behavior at all. I just reacted and just kept suffering, wondering why life was so hard! I am still sometimes unaware until I start suffering and step back long enough to see what the string of events mean! Always…it comes back to something I did or something I thought.
Sometimes following what we think is our dream comes at a high price. Attempts to “direct” the world around us instead of the world inside serves as a real distraction. Letting go of some of the trappings of success leaves us face to face with ourselves
Paulann–I love the way you worded it: “attempts to direct the world around us instead of the world inside”. That’s profound. I’m so fortunate to have the GoodLife Group to interact with. Thanks for the comment.
I know it drives some of the people in my life crazy that I don’t work up to my potential, but what they don’t seem to understand is that when I do I need to drink in order to survive it….
Sherrie– I didn’t think of it that way, but you’re so right!
I recognize much of what you described. Control can be an issue for me. Finding the balance (seems to always come back to that) is my struggle. Be default, I am a leader in my job. But, I don’t want to be a controller. However, there are some that need to be lead with more direction than others. That still rules out control. Most don’t respond positively to that. I know I don’t.
You continue to ask some questions that need to be looked at carefully. Thank you!
Debby–I’m thankful that it’s God who slowly removes our character defects through the program. If it were up to me, I would make such a mess of it. At this point, I’m just eternally grateful to be able to learn the lessons He brings to me.
Thanks for the comment and for recognizing the importance of asking questions. When I stop doing that, I’ll stop getting answers, won’t I?