I’ve always been a ‘how and why‘ kind of person. Why does this run? How do they do that? Why is this working until I do this, then it doesn’t? How do I make it work again?
I don’t even want someone work to on my stuff unless I watch them because I want to know what they’re doing and why it doesn’t work. Then I want to see how they fix it. Back in the good ol’ days, I stood beside the mechanic and watched him fix my car. Now they won’t let me into the shop for insurance reasons (they say).
Before AA, I drove myself and everyone else a little crazy with my need to know. Knowledge, to me, was like power. The more I knew the safer I felt. In reality, I was getting head-smart and heart-dumb. My spiritual life consisted of trying to learn more, always more. I was stubbornly directing my own life with very little of God’s truth penetrating my heart or directing my walk. I still struggle but it’s better.
Yesterday, for instance, I found that at least one of my 3 batteries in the RV is bad. I borrowed a charger and discovered that they won’t even hold a full charge overnight. Obviously, there’s a problem. Why? There I go again!
Given that the word why is used over 90 times in the Big Book of AA and in the 12×12, I assume it’s a big question for a lot of us.
In fact in the chapter of How It Works this question kicks off my favorite section of the book.
This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. ~AA p 62
So I was sitting in the rocker praying this morning. Not asking why, just praying that God would send me an answer to the battery situation because I called George yesterday for help and he didn’t make it. I tried to remove the batteries myself and can’t. Just then, he pulled up.
He apologized for not getting here yesterday, loaded the 3 batteries into my Jeep and then was saying goodbye when I asked him to wait while I checked things inside. Sure enough, insufficient power. Air conditioning doesn’t work without the batteries, neither does the refrigerator. So we hooked the bad batteries back up and I’m going to town to get new ones later today.
It works like that with my life. I don’t need to know why my own power isn’t sufficient. I already know how to get through my days. I am very much like the bad battery. I can’t hold a charge on my own. Every day I need to meditate and pray. Then I can take a swing at whatever curves life throws me…. batter- y-up!