Fudgesicles and Fear

So when AA suggests a fearless moral inventory, it must seem to every newcomer that more is being asked of him than he can do. Both his pride and his fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself. Pride says, “You need not pass this way,” and Fear says, “You dare not look!”

I had a dare not look experience this week. I am thinking of making a financial decision. Even trying to type that, previous sentence I made 3 mistakes. Money is something I try not to think about because I have a fear of money. No, I have money phobia. It’s called chrematophobia.

My first occasion to make money was not quite as tawdry as it sounds. I danced on tables in a tavern on the back roads of Ely, Minnesota. Think what you will. I’ve vowed to be as open as I can with my blogging and we all know that alcoholics have a checkered past. Most of my readers will not be shocked by the admission but will be surprised to hear that the music from the jukebox was accompanied by the percussion beat of spoons and bones upon the knees of lumberjacks. They sat up on their bar stools and gave me nickles to plug the jukebox, then I’d climb up on the tables and dance to Chubby Checkers rock and roll. After wards, I got my money, a nickel from both of the guys to use for my fudge-sickle tab at the bar. The twist and the limbo made me hungry. I shared with my 6-year-old brother, who refused to humiliate himself by table dancing, but sometimes limboed with me under a broomstick over two stools. Happy Wanderer—good memories!

I don’t believe it was anything in my past that gave me the phobia of money. But the topic has always been a fearful one for me. I take someone with me whenever I get insurance, a loan or face any other nasty money situation. I have to. The topic paralyzes me, I break out in a sweat and forget the most basic facts about myself: birth date, social security number, address. It’s awful. I can look inept by taking a friend, or I can look like a complete fool by going alone and bursting into tears. Easy choice.

So yesterday I called a friend sobbing because I had to call about a small mistake in my credit score. I was paralyzed with fear. Insane….just so typically alcoholic to be fear-filled over this.

Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. I seems to cause more trouble. AA p 68

That led me to decide to have another go at the 4th Step NotScary Fears Worksheet of Step 3 (in sidebar). Then, I was so befuddled that I couldn’t find my notes that I used to write the post on it. Finally, I threw pride aside (it was pretty well shot anyway) and just went to the post! I find it is easy to follow my own instructions! Easy… but humbling. Sigh. Then I prayed.

We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once we commence to outgrow fear. ~AA p 68

I’m counting on that.