Selfish? Who…me? Without a doubt. But it took a while to begin recognizing it. I had the idea that selfish meant focusing on what I had or didn’t have. It’s SO much more than that.
For me, when I get selfishly agitated, it throws me into an emotional free-fall. The wisest thing I can do is to stop everything and identify the character defect that is propelling me downward.
I’ve struggled to differentiate in Step 4 between self-seeking and selfish. For me, it helps to visualize myself as either a Self-seeking Narcissist with a mirror; or as a Selfish Two-Year-Old in a stylin’ hat!
If it fits any of the following, the character defect is selfishness. For me, these ing words are clues to selfishness: wishing, reacting, demanding, pretending, obsessing
You probably have some of your own, but these are mine. I would share them, but if you don’t already have them, you don’t want them! In that case, you could make your own list.
The first word is wishing. I know I’m wishing again when I find myself thinking, oh, come on people! Let’s start with Wishing:
- things would come more easily to me
- everyone would act like me, think like me
- other people would understand me and accept me
- someone else would meet my needs (dependence)
- I could control others (read: they should take my advice!)
The second word is pretending. I know I’m pretending when I get angry with someone, or feel really let down by them. To be disappointed is to have had an expectation. I’ve heard it described as a planned resentment. Now look at Pretending: These show me I’m not being realistic.
- my life can go according to my plan (playing God)
- if I don’t pay attention to something that scares me, it will go away (denial)
- I am going to ‘arrive’, have everything under control and figured out
- that people can be who I think they should be if they try harder
- I am really wonderful if everyone would just get to know me (grandiosity)
And look at Obsessing: This is when my mind keeps running in the same old circles.
- about wanting to feel special, be comfortable, find a sense of security
- about material, financial, or personal goals
- about appearance, effectiveness, progress or accomplishments
- about who is to ‘blame’ or about being right
And now, Reacting:
- out of self-esteem issues
- out of self-loathing
- out of self-righteousness
- to people’s opinion of me
- to other people’s choices
Summary: Being selfish is expecting the world to run according to Heidi. I may look great in that potty hat, but being selfish is still an inability to live life on life’s terms. Who knew? Not me, not before doing Step 4.
Good Life 
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